ithurts

2009-09-13T20:45:00.002+08:00

yes. it's true.
those words killed me before it killed you.
those pains hurt me before it hurts you.

you know how much pain it is when i type those out?
you cant understand how much i feel in that point in time.

you make me feel that what i'm saying is nothing worth listening.
you make me feel that no one's there for me when i'm down.
you make me feel that i dont need you anymore.
you make me grow, grown to be more independent.

i dont need your shoulder anymore, when i can handle my tears in the toilet alone.
you make me feel that i dont need you anymore.
my life will still be as great without you.

you, made me feel this way.
yes, you, trained me to be stronger.
stronger that a girl should be.

you, made my heartbreaks.
you, killed my dreams.
you, numbed me.

the new me, will be prepared to face everything myself.
it's always me alone, just 1 person.
i, eileen goh, can do it.

thank you that you make who i am today.

2009-01-07T12:00:00.002+08:00

envy. like always.
wonder when can we be like them.
sharing secrets together like besties.
going out together and have fun.

everytime i read. everytime i saw the photos.
i wonder, how many photos we took together, unlike them, having alot of photos together.

when's the last time since we had a good chat?
when's the last time we went out together?
when's the last time we took a photo together?
when's the last time we joke together?

i've never put it down before.
they always make me envy.
envy of their friendship.

wasnt we like them in the past?
imy...

2008-04-17T20:51:00.000+08:00

i hope u're doing fine.
i can see that u're look happy.

i'm happy too. :)

2008-03-23T10:30:00.003+08:00

sometimes i think, is it good that u understand ppl too well? :)
feel so great when u know wad the person is thinking.
it brings out the bond in both of you.
isnt it?

but if you understand the person too well,
u tend to be tired of wad he/she is doing.
but i'm not getting tired of anyone :D

hahha. it feel great when u're distance away from ur good fren
but u still know wad he or she is writing.
even all of the shortcuts she tries to use.

but we can only watch from far.

how i miss my everything.
it's really so bad.

i miss jueying.
but i cant find anything bout her.
she's not online anymore.
icant find her.

i miss winna.
though we're in the same school.
but. nothing we can say.
yes, hi and bye.
otherwise, nope.

i'm prepared to forgive everything.
i dont care what ppl has done to me.
i dont care if we are alr distance
i dont care if we don talk anymore.
i just want a nice life.
i want nice frens.
i want to give everyone a new life.
but i cant.
i can give myself a new life instead.

i miss rita as well.
v.much as how i miss everything.
but nothing can bring us back.

i love everyone around me.
love, practically, cant be showed

2008-03-18T16:29:00.002+08:00

i dun know what my brain is made of.
i often think about this think bout that.
made me feel alot of things i need to concern about.
but when things goes wrong, i start to like blame myself.
i'm really mad.

but things are going in a funny way for me.
i concern way too much.

too much things to think of.
that explains why i'm so tired everyday.
why my mind is filled up everyday.
all those never ending stuffs.
shit. i dun even know how to move on.
FUCK. i'm such a loser.

2008-02-09T21:40:00.001+08:00

i dont know how i should start with this.
but. i really have to vent it out NOW.

there was once when i was 13/14 yrs old,
i often quarell with my mother.
she make me do all housework at home and often shows favortism to my brother.

i know that when my brother was born,
i was chuck aside.
i didnt let it affect me
only till i started to take a bigger step in life.

everything i do, she's always so displeased with it.
i was really undergoing tremendous stress when she pushes everything to me.
even when my brother cry *just because he want my bolster instead of his own one.*
i have to give it to him.
yes, most ppl will say that, "this is what the elder one should do"
i know, BUT we're both kids.
WHY? WHY must i give it to him? just because i'm the elder one?

from that point onwards, i've never forget how my mum treat me.
i've always bear this in mind that i'm not the one she loves.
i start to change, from bad to worst
and this, make her change for me.
thought her changes wasnt having any big difference,
but at least, at least i know and i can see that she's trying.
i started to give in.

i've never moan and groan whenever she told me to do all the housework at home.
i tried to accomdate her. i wan to make myself perfect to her.
but obviously, what she had done previously will NEVER be forgotten by me.
i slowly learn not to care about her favortism.

so to me, the whole family,
daddy, mummy, boy.
i love the most was my dad.

because i believe that he loves both of us.
EQUALLY.

but yesterday, i've learn about the worst thing i ever want to hear.
my dad told me, "i told ah ma, i love both of u, but still, love ah boy more."
at first, to me, it wasnt a new thing isnt it?
it's just another same thing acted by different people.

but today, early in the morning,
he said, " you are very lazy. lazier than ah boy. we call u to do things but u often didnt do"
mum add on " help me to rub my leg."
i said" yesterday, i help u rub ur leg till 3am and now is only 8.30am"
she said" u are really worst than ur brother. everytime i told u to help me, u wont."

OH MY FUCKING GOD.
i turned and cried.
she didnt know how hard i will take this.
3am to 8.30am. it's merely 5hours.
i cant even have enough sleep but this is what i have to faceed early in the morning when i open my eyes.

i help her to coach her son, i help her with her housework, i help her to rub her leg even if my brother refuse to do so. i help her with what ever she want me to do.
when i was 13, she told me to go to the market to help her out.
yes, it wasnt anything to her.
i have to help her sell fishes early at 6am in boonkeng.
how many children will want to do this kind of things?
making themselve smelly and walk about in the market.
making thier hands having stab by the prawns when weighing for the customers.
HOW MANY KIDS WILL DO THIS?
i didnt even complain. it's really very pain when my hands get stab.
but i get no concern frm them. as if, this is wad i owe them.

but to her, everything wasnt enough.
but to me, I AM FUCKING TIRE OUT.
i cannot imagine that i have to do so many things even with my packed schedule.

i dont ask them for money when i seriously need it.
i pay for my own things.
pocket money is $6 while my brother is $7
my brother can save $6 a day or even didnt save on any other days.
but he get everything instantly.
how can i save with $6 a day?
i want to shout at them, but i couldnt
i want to take money from them, but i couldnt bring myself to it.

so now i know
thinking for them,
helping them,
it's never enough.

i really donno what i can do.
i'm at my wit's end.

all my efforts for changing myself.
it's gone in just one sentance from my parents.
i'm forever tearing.
i shouldnt care alr.
i should work to leave this home.

2008-01-09T22:32:00.000+08:00

i didnt forget you.
u are not deleted from my list.
u're always there.
but i dun wan to let others think that i am fake.
i took away ivan and still be so nice to u.
for a normal human being, they will think this way.
i didnt forget you. i didnt move you away from my list.

you are always there. in my heart.
i miss you.

i saw u at bugis that time. a few words, make me happy, make me sad.
happy to see you doing well.
sad to see us only saying less then 10 words.

i lost the old you.
i lost the old me.
i lost all the good things we once enjoyed together.
do you know how long have i not stepped into toy r us?
even when pearllene ask if i wanna go in, sometimes, i just decline.
i wanna save the last memory , the best memory i ever had.

i'm sry. i really didnt forget you.

2007-10-24T20:59:00.000+08:00

i guess, this is what ben means by lonely.
having a partner doesnt really matters.
but, i think i am really attached to you.
often i think back, it's ok that we meet once a week.
we're getting fine. arent we?
sometimes, i really need to find time.
how i wish to have dinner with you after my school ends.
but i know, money is a problem.
sometimes, i want a rest. but i miss you so much that i INSISTED to chat with you.
i find myslef, like a walking zombie.
sometimes, when people ask, why didnt u meet your boyfriend?
i could no longer answer this question when time passed along.
they asked once, twice, thirce. all the reasons are similar.
i've decided, not to answer this question.
today, i went home alone.
it set me thinking.
what i actually want.
i still couldnt make a stand of what i want.
when you called, you ask : you going home alone? where is sijie? where is jasmine?
i simply paused and ponder awhile.
telling you: johnathan came to woodlands to meet sijie. jasmine went to meet her boyfriend.
i heard you saying. i should come to woodlands.
but i know, this is simply impossible.
look at the time we have for each other, it's alr not enough for a meal, not to say a bus trip.
and bus trip, the money?
doenst need any fare?
dream on. all this counts.
i held back my tears and breath.
and let it go after i've hang the phone.
and then, i realised, i feel so empty.
it's not the eileen but it's her skeleton.

i miss you so much.
it's time to let go abit.
not to hold on so much and grew attached to you.
it's time to have abit of time to think and rest.
i believe i CAN DO IT.

i know, 80% you will be reading this.
but dont be upset. i know we just have not enough time.
i can understand you have you clicks
give me sometime.
i will adapt to your way.
i'm sorry that i've mood swings like what you said.
but in fact, i just need some attention. some pleasing from you.
i'm so sorry.
i've always made you angry about this.
but all those chunks of words above, is really what i wish to tell you.
ilu-

2007-08-21T20:26:00.000+08:00

seeing you. in 9 more days.
my heart pumps hard.

wonder if u will react like i dreamed..

hugging you tight apologising sincerely.
telling you how i miss you...

i yearn for a return.
i am sad in both ways.
why not let me give up one to exchange for one

my heart cannot forget, not to say forgiving myself.

2007-08-03T21:32:00.000+08:00

i thought by not visiting your blog for some time i would feel better.
and slowly, i will have the courage to visit again.
but i think i am wrong.
actually i think i am still the same old me.
i keep thinking that i have move on without any hindrance.
but slowly, i realised, i didnt move at all.
not a single bit.

once in a long time, i cried and beg for forgivence.
i think, this gonna be long term.
so long, yet i still miss you just as much.
i am still longing to see you.
but all i wanted was the smile of yours.
helping you to get back your smile i think this is the least yet the most important thing i can do.

i still dare not tag.
whenever i leave your blog, my mind continue to think.
i am really regretful for what i have done.
i can never run away.
i wanna turn back time.
i cant lose you.
i am really tearing now. can u feel it?

i dont dare to go back to skool
i am afraid. i am afraid to look into your eyes.
i just wanna see if u are doing well.
i really miss the times we spent.
i've not stepped into toyRus for a long time.
i miss it. i miss every moment.

PLEASE STAB ME TO DEATH
I CANT BEAR THIS TORTURE
I DUN WANNA LOSE U

2007-05-29T22:17:00.000+08:00

should i say, there is no turn back for me anymore.
i wish i will see you on my way one day.
so that i can at least know how are you doing.
i am really keen to seek for your forgivence.
these 7th mth. i did not put you down.
you stay there. you've occupy a place in my mind and heart.
nothing. TOTALLY NOTHING can replace you.
1,misses
2,cries.
3,triesNOMORE.

a mistake made. an eternal pain.

2007-05-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

i think i have to give up. my passion.

i know. i have to leave the past.and carry on for my future.

but this wasnt what i wanted.
how i wish to be a predictor.

i have said so many times. typed so many times. apologised so many times.
yet. this is what i have to faced, still.

i wouldnt even give him your number IF i know i WILL like him.
all of these. yes. it's my fault. i dont deny.
i know. you are so pissed of with me. everything i do. everything i typed. everything i say.
u're just not gonna believe it.

u dont know. how i feel at the bottom of my heart.

but i thing that i have clarified.
i'm just no one to you. am i right?
with all these, i see myself like a fool.
trying to find ways to talk to you.
trying to find back the same old days.

what i do is just UTTER RUBBISH to you.
thats how you feel isnt it?

everytime i blog, i think of EVERYONE'S feeling.
i want to let you know.
i care.
but did i get anything in return?
i didnt.

now. i want to care. but the hurt has been pile up.
more and more each day. how? how can i blog telling everyone my feelings?
no way. i'm gonna tell/ gonna post whatever it's on my mind.
that's why the purpose of this private blog.
only i can see, i can hear, i can read.

to let you changed your mindset about me, it's difficult.
or should i say, it's impossible?
i take no.2

i believe no more in miricles.
i believe no more in forgiving.
i believe no more of facts.

rita, i'm really in the wrong. but, how to make you understand this logic?
losing you. have already leave a scar on me.

2007-05-13T22:27:00.000+08:00

i couldnt imagine me. without it.

it's so pain. you know? it's so painful. to live without it.
CAN ANYONE FEEL ME?

i getting so fustrated. getting so sad. i'm so unhappy. yet i need to laugh.
no one feels me.

TELL ME HOW TO LIVE?
without volleyball.

it's the umpteen times i cried for volleyball.
remebering my last match with the girls.
i cried. till i didnt went to school.

from dat day onwards. i've been pending for alumni.
but now. all my dreams, all my waiting. are dashed.
i want back. my everything.

i want back my pohli
i want back my jess
i want back my shenny
i want back everyone.

i'm so sick. because i cried. everyday.w/o fail.

2007-05-02T12:54:00.000+08:00

it has been long since i last blog over here.
i'm so tired of poly life.
it's so slack but the hours are so long!

how i wish we didnt stray at all.
i've been yearning for the life we had before.

we didnt talk.
we didnt contact.
we chatted. but in just short phrases.
and it ended.

all this are just arrows that pierce into my heart thinking of the strained relatioship

i couldnt talk to you like before
no more laughters.
more like stangers

you didnt know how much courage would i need even tagging in your blog.
maybe you too. needed alot of courage to tag.

there is no way to understand you anymore.
even if i ask around. no one seems to know wad happen to you.
i've no other ways to know more. even your blog. you dont blog alot about what happen to you.

looking at you, leaving no comments even if you view my friendster profile, i'm shattered.
i guess. it's just like tagging, we need alot more courage to do it.

i swear.! i'm going to boast up my courage.
but i really have no way to understand you.

you're still my number .1

2007-03-14T23:26:00.000+08:00

tears went flowing down my cheek when i got my first phone call from mummy.
i thought. she was merely asking me about my appealing results and giving some encouraging talk.
but i was totally wrong. instead of getting words of concern ,all she does is to scream and criticise saying " i dun know how you study. not even a skool wants you.!"
i couldnt take it anymore and i was really hurt by what she says.

i went to appeal for the second time. and all i can do was to wait aimlessly.
on my way back from RP.i felt so moody. i felt as if the world is coming to an end.
and slowly. i think back.
what really cause me into who i am and what i have now.
i look at my results. is 20 that bad? bad till no skool wants me?
i think so hard till i hardly speak a word to my darling.
i felt so sorry to treat him like this.
all i could do was to make him worry.

back to the point. i would be able to get into any course ONLY IF i stop listening to others advice.
instead of advising , they got me into deep shit.
yes. 20 may be hard. but i can easily find a place in any poly IF you had let me make the decision myself.
IF you didnt inject me with the poison you are giving, i'll living a decade more.
IF only u didnt DEMAND me to abide YOUR rules , i would not be in this state.

darling didnt know too. he didnt know that i wanted to get into tp is because of him.
he didnt understand.
he said. i aim too high.
i didnt tell you the truth. cause i'm afraid you will take the blame.
i didnt aim high. but i just want to tell you that all that i do was just for you.
i know how much you want to be in the same campus as me.
i know how much you would like to dine with me everyday.
i know. i know. dats was why. i aimed that high. i know. you didnt mean to say it.
but i just want to let you know. u mean so much to me.

what if one day i'm defeated by stress?
i cant control myself to do stupid things.
wad if ... i'm really DEFEATED.?
wad if i couldnt take the stress anymore?
can i choose to die? i'm so afraid.

dun make it a regret in your life , o levels.

god. DONT.! DONT TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM HIM just to let me go into my course! DONT.! PLEASE.

2007-02-12T02:02:00.000+08:00

haiis. this few days,my com breakdown.
i eventually cant visit ur blog everyday.
thought going to your match will be the most supportive spirit i could give.
but i think i'm wrong.

going there. i think i'm just supporting the whole team without any communications.
i come and go as and when i like.
but at least. at least i make sure. i make sure. that i GO for your every match.
i wanted to support u.
mentally, verbally and physically.

can u let me explain?
actually, i also wanted to approach you.
but i didnt get the chance to.
i went over. it's already too late. the match started.
after which. when u all join in the receiving game, i went away.
because pearl is also in the game. and i'm afraid that when u gals are sad. u all tend to spike ball alot.
and i feared that pearl will cause the situation worst. or the ball might just hit her.
i went to sit down and i saw peggy.
i consoled her. and ask pearl bout how to console u.
i dont have any idea how to make u smile anymore.
i'm worried that i'll make things worst.
thinking that posting for the day will make u all feel more comfortable..
but. my com went hay-wired.
thats the reason why.

i went off to the canteen.
i saw u girls. i dont know how to greet you.
firstly. u're so far away from me.
and also. ivan is over there...
i know he's the barrel between us.
dat was why. i couldnt face you anymore.

i treasured this friendship so much.
yet. i was being thought as a person who just wanted to give up this friendship.
this hurts me more then anything.
because, it comes out from u.
not only i wanted to hold onto this friendship,
i wanted it to last. forever.. till eternity..
but from ur next post, i knew. we are gone. once and forever...
u are giving up too.. how? how can i help to withhold this friendship longer.?
pls tell mii.. wad to do. i'm lost. really lost. in the wonderland of yours...

from your nick. i'm still thinking.can i possibly still carry on in this relationship.
i'm so afraid that i burden you with the hurt i am giving you.
i'm really very sad.. my tears for you is just like how often it used to rain.
it didnt just pour.............. it floods..
does my happiness really adds on to ur sadness?
i am so cruel. i'm so evil.
i dunn wanna hurt u. dun want to do that anymore.
but can u tell me wad to do. so that i wont hurt you?
yes. i love him. BUT i think , u love him more. and he is supposing to be yours.
i cant bear to leave him. BUT i know, you are more reluctant than me.

i'm sorry to cause you bleeding inside out.
if only i could bring him to you.
if only i can.

if only i didnt spill out that lil secret.
if only i didnt interupted.
if only i didnt cut in.
if only i'm discipline.

all this wouldnt have happen.

i'm on the verge of breaking down.
because u just didnt realise how important you are to me

2007-01-31T22:57:00.000+08:00

i need not get the answer.
i need not ask.

from ur msn nick.
i get the answer.
very clearly in my mind.
i think and think.
and i cant stop thinking.

all i wanted was to give up.
really. now!
now in this point in time
can i choose to give up.?

i'm stressing very day and night
i'm looking at the change of ur msn nick everyday.

and i knew. it was all about it.
but i cant even speak a word of it.

leading my life this way. how sad that can be?
i know but things left undo.

you=no.
wad do i understand from this.

i'm sry.but i cant. - everything bout you = no.
wad do i understand again?

i feel so ill. i feel so pain. mentally and physical.
my head is cracking.
i felt so aimless in my life.
i feel like giving up everything.
posses mii with the power.
can i?

2007-01-29T22:24:00.000+08:00

how? someone answer me please.
i know clearly that i shouldnt think of this now.
but i'm sorry , i cant.

i know i enter with much regret and i lost you , totally.
in the midst of everything, i dont deny, i've thought of giving up.
all just for you. but i'm sorry. i didnt.
all the little things i did for you,
showed how much i cared, showed how much u meant to me.
u are just as impt as anything around me.

i've got so much to tell you.
but my mouth seems to be shut whenever i saw you.
i wanna tell you sorry. i just wanna apologise.
but i didnt have the courage to do it.
i'm afraid to be blocked by you. you've shut me out away from your door.
your heart , your thinking , your mind is locked.
i'm so near yet so far from you and your thinking.

till now, i still blame myself.
i'll never forgive myself for causing u into this state.
actually, even all problems seemed to have solved, i still tear quietly.
all this while. no one knows. i'm tearing whenever i'm alone thinking.
i tear because i know i hurt you deeply.
i tear because i know we'll never be the same again.
i tear because i want you back.
so much so much. i didnt want to let anyone know. i dont want.
i met up with you. but i didnt know how to start a simple conversation with you
i tried. but the feeling is so different.

i wanted you to have your happiness.
i wanted you to have the best i could give.
but, i'm always the one who have hurt you the most.

letting him go. putting him into your hands...
it hurts, but i'm the one shouldering it.. not you.
dats the way i want things to be in. cause i dun allow anyone to hurt u.

till now. i'm still very confused.
why cant u let me know. if u are loving him or not.
so that. we can come afresh.
lets restart everything.
at least i know. am i still hurting u.
at least. i understand how u think.
at least. i can give in. and shoulder half of ur problems.

i know. i love him.
i know. i cant lost u either.

can i choose to love and let go at the same time?
can i choose to end your hurt here?
can i?

i'm always tearing hard.

for you, which is the reason why i fought so hard.
for you, which is the reason why i learnt.
i'm sorry. for everthing i said that always hurt you.
i always think of her first. instead of you.
i'm really sorry.

i want you.
i wanna lead my life with you.
i wish i can live on with you around me.
so many things left undo.
i always push u here and there.
but i never think of your feelings.
because i always believe that even if i put u in her hands,
you will slowly adapt to it.
just like how u adapt to me.
i know. and i believe u can.
thats why. i'm being so unfair.

i love you. it hurts me just as much when i think of the days i suffered.
i think of the crisis we faced everytime.
i'm so afraid but i'm really tearing inside out.
i'm always asking and bring the topic of rita up.
it's just because i want to solve the things.
i want to come to a perfect conclusion.
i'm always tearing. yet i cant find a reason for it.

let everything calm down please.

2007-01-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry.

firstly, to darlingg
i'm sorry that i still cant put my mind down.
i think. she's far too important.
i cant stop thinking.. and i really didnt want to hurt her more.

secondly , precious.
i dunno if i still hurt u as badly as b4.
but. seriously.. i just want to apologised.. sincerely..
at that time. i really dunno u like ivan.
i really dunno.. i didnt hurt u on purpose.
if only... if only i 've made clear my point.
if only i have ask u clearly..
but all these are just too late..
all i could do was to say sorry after sorry..

looking at ur post.. i dun mind the hurt that i am shouldering.
but.. is the hurt that i've implemented on u.
i think it cause so much impact on ur life.
i felt terrible. i felt miserable. becos i am hurting u yet i dun know it..
looking at ur post. i think i am the one that hurt u that much.
u post. and u delete the post again.. wad shud i do?
i let my thinking take over my confidence in u.
i'm sad... i'm troubled..
just becos the hurt i have gave u in the past really leave a scar in u.
i really wish u can tell mi wad are u thinking..
or. at least. tell mi. if i am hurting u..
okiiex? i need those so much...

it has been so long since i last chat with u... isnt it?

2007-01-17T18:53:00.000+08:00

haiis.. today.. lets not mention it..
i feel so tired out ever since i started working..
why.. why am i trying so hard to work? just for that money?
is money that important to me? i wondered for a second.
yes. it is.
life w/o money is terrible.
especially in s'pore. having high SOL. expenses are so high nowadays..
so wad i can do? if i never work? where i get the money from?
parents? it's so bad and embaressing.. to keep wanting money from them..
suddenly.. i think of life.. is life a job?
to me, actually no. but suddenly, it becomes a yes.
contradicting isnt it?
to think of it , why are my parents struggling so hard to work?
it comes to my attention that it's all because of us.
just to give us a comfortable life..

but back to my work , red earth..
i'm struggling so hard just for a few hundreds?
am i mad? or wad..
i tire myself out everyday , i spent on transportation and meals..
all this , adds up to a few hundreds a mth.
so does this means that i'm working but spending alot too..!

i'm still thinking.. to work or not. i'm really very tired of the job.
i just want to have a good rest.

so many things i wan to buy. so many.
but i dun want to overspend.

sry bout today. i think i really spent alot.
$3 on the fake laksa.
$6 on the neoprints.
$1.30 on the chicken skin.
$9.60 on bowling.
$1.50 on transport.
---------------------------------
$21.40 in total
---------------------------------

isnt this high SOL?? did nothing but spent so much.

i miiss all my teamates.
i seriously do. i dun care if all of them like mii or not.
but i just miiss everyone of them.
i mean it. EVERYONE.
including sy and val.
though sy may not like mi. or shud i say. i heard so much that she hate mi.
but i dun care who likes mi or not.
i justt miss them badly.

where is the team i used to have? find them back. pls.

2007-01-12T20:03:00.000+08:00

it pours hard today. i was sad. cause i was thinking why didnt u have the patience he had. how i wish u could have more patience.. just abit more.. i'll be contented.

u're a very very good stead. i dun deny that. but in some ways, u're just as horrible.

when we started it off together, i can feel the change. no more obsseion like i used to have. no more.. but.. slowly.. i could aso feel the change.. no more of patience i used to have. and more of shouting now.. i wish i could tell u off. but. i didnt want to.. i didnt want to stress u.

iloveeuu.
justlikehowiusedtolovehim.
really.didntyouknowthat?

i dun expect u to change just for mi.
but.. put urself in my shoes.
how's the stress in mi then?

("v") never let you go
if u giive mii one chance to tell you how i was feeling,
i would sing to you and tell you i wont live my life without you.

i would hold ur hand. and nebber let uu go.

2007-01-05T19:46:00.000+08:00

okiiiex.. today's our 2 months... happy yet not.
i know it's not a good day today.. becos.. our job interview clashes.
seriously, i'm tired today.. i think i'm worn out. becos of waking up at 630 everyday.
and i'm so tired dat i wanted to be at home sleeping.
but i just cant wait for the surprises u may be giving mi today.
and of course. i, have been pending for today. so much. so much.

i forced myself to carry on today.
and the sun is like 10 x bigger then normal days.
and i feel thirssty every now and then =X
i feel like i'm in the desert

in the bus. i've not changed. is only that. i think. if only at that point in time,
we've keep it low profile. everything would be fine. isnt it?
i dunno how to tell u how i am feeling.
becos. u will be crying when u are stressed.
this. make mi more stressed then you.
i really cant stand it when u cry. really.
i dunno wad i can do to help.
but u will everytime say. can u don like dat?
omg.. i'll just go speechless...
cause i dun know wad i did. and u call mi dun like that????
i cant get it wad u want or need.
u know??

i'm sad. really. it seems so much obstacles in front of us.
yet some i dunno how to cross it tog with u.

i dunno that ur family has caused so much stress to u.
and i think. i am adding it on to u.
thats why i was utterly despondent by the stress u are getting.. =(
i'm sorry. i spoil our sweet 2 mths.

DARLING_x and DEAR_x our sweet two months 05 ("v") 11 ("v") 06

2006-12-24T00:24:00.000+08:00

i really wish to live like this forever and ever. =)

u've brought mii happiness that i have nebber think of..
every single day. i've live my life to the fullest everyday with euu around =D
the thought of being with euu was nebber brought across my mind...

in the past, i love you
and this will last.
forever.and it nebber ends...

all the things u did for me.. are all surprises after surprises.
i really didnt expect much. but. wad i get was really so unpredictable..
u bring mi smiles. everyday. =)

arrgghh..
making decision is just so difficult..

2006-12-17T23:53:00.000+08:00

we talk lesser and lesser each time we meet..
dun u think so??
we used to be so chatty.. so much to talk about everything..
we went out. to toy'r'us.. and this could help us to kill time fast..
but now... i think even we went to play vball tog, we like seldom talk lerr..
and then.. we went to eat tog... and we are like.. normal normal frens...
no more like sisterly...
no more... no more writting letters to each other...
no more............

i send you to the bus stop as usual.... but everytime, we talk lesser and lesser..
haiis.. i dunno wad had happenn...
but i feel dialogue-less when i tok to you nowadays...

i am sad.

2006-12-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

i need not hide anymore.
but. i dun know.. everything is like so SUDDEN
somehow.. i think my life cant move away from guilt.
always.. i am pressurize by guilt.. ALWAYS!

when can i get away from it? tell me pls. =)
though u told me u are happy for me.
but. can i be happy.? like this? just like this? so. u think i can?

letting u know is a good thing. but. not letting u know is aso a good thing.

i am so bad.
really bad...

eileen goh! one after another! i dunno*

2006-12-06T14:40:00.000+08:00

when can i stop hiding?
i'm tired of hiding here and there.. =(

i'm reading .. a book. a book of philosophy.

which is ur blog.

till.the.end.of.time_*
eileenn_\

2006-12-05T22:53:00.000+08:00

1 MONTH! 1 MONTH! 1 MONTH!!!!!

2006-11-30T12:46:00.000+08:00

it's going to be one month soon.
this 3 wks. i've been thinking.
and i really dun dare to put my mind at ease
because she's always there. in my mind.
i live this one month with guilt.
but tog with happiness.

this 3 wks. i don know.
whether u are happy or not.
i really hope to ask you this question.
NOT because i doubt you.
but because i really want you to decide carefully.

i want to ask. if you really decided to be with me?
i really dun mind. even if u tell me now. the one you like is her.
really.
i know. if u tell me this, i'll be hurt. i will.
but dun worry.
because i know. i'm strong.
i really want to make you confirm. and not to let u regret it much more later.
we can treat this 3 wks as a lil exp.

i dare not ask. i dare not. because i am so afaird that u misunderstand me.
saying that i doubt you.

i rather to be hurt now.
den later. =(

i'm seriously confused.

2006-11-26T22:20:00.000+08:00

arrgghh.. wad i shud do? someone pls.. help.
feel so unstable BUT no doubts in anything.
really. i dunno wad am i thinking. he's just so important. =D

he's cute
he's cute
he's cute
he's cute

i'm afraid. but i dunno wad i'm afraid of.
haiis.

how?

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

dated_*26-11-2006

2006-11-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

i love this you.
3 simple words i could say
but it means so much to me.

i love this you.
till my eternal pain fade away.
till i'm gone....

i love this you.
even when u let go of my hands.
u'll nebber be overlook and forgotten by me.

i love this you.
the incompletion of our love.
because it will nv ends.

eileenntill the end of time__*

dated_*25-11-2006

2006-11-26T22:07:00.000+08:00

what if i leave you one day.
this phrase really leaves a deep impression in my mind.
i really dun dare to jump to conclusions or wad.
because i dun want you to think that i don trust you.
in fact. i really dun doubt our relationship.

u said this.
and i was like. bursting out into tears.
i suddenly feel insecured.
are u still with me? i wondered.
i think and i wish to speak.
but i'm lost for words.
eventually, what can i say?

it has been 6 days.
i dun know how many times i have been laughing with you around
i really lost count.
i really think alot alot alot.
so much happy things.
all the iLOVEyouS.
all the blushes i see on u and me.
all the kisses we've got.
the holding of hands.
the hanging up of phones.
all these are craved onto my mind.
leaving u.. seems impossible AGAIN.

BUT i think again.
yes i know. giving u up isnt an easy thing.
didnt this apply to rita too..
suddenly, i think i am really selfish indeed.
why can rita forget and i cant
there is no impossible.
but i really tried.

i am waiting. waiting for you to put a stop to our relationship
i dunno. but i guessed..... the day will come. sooner or later.
i am afraid i would start to give up.
seeing you like this i am really very sad.
u seems so stressed.
and. i shouldn't have walked in.
i shouldnt have walked into ur life.
causing u to be sad and all this trouble.
i thought we could face this tog.
but i guesed we cant.

i walked in the rain of tears.='(

-i'll love you. even till the end of time

dated_*11-11-2006

2006-11-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

okiiex.. being with you is really very happy
i am always laughing..
as well as giving in..
dunch you think so?
i really dun know if wad i do was right..
shud i even grab ur hands? have i add burden or problems to you..?
i really dun know.. i hope i did not.
but most probably yes i did..
i have nebber regretted since the frst time i held ur hands tight.
and decide not to let go anymore.
yarhx.. ur attitude.. maybe needs to be change abit.
u're really short tempered.. really.. or maybe, u are just stressed... right?
i'm so sry if i really stress you alot.
being with you.. it's nothing.. just happiness i can find.
although i would always get shouting from you, but i slowly get used to it.. =X
i dunno if u have regretted it ..
but i am really prepared for everything you are gonig to say
from the day i held your hands tight.......
i am really prepared..
really.
i didnt want anything more..
i just want to live my life happily with you ard..
i'm really contented enough..

i am always giving in.. i dun know if how long more i'll be able to give in..
and you told me about ur display attitude..
this things make me think so much..
thinking if u just want me to forget you..
i dunno.. i looked into ur eyes.. with despondency.
i didnt know what to do anymore...

i wonder if i could really move on..
how long can we hide this?
forever? eternity?
no way.. but.. i am afraid.. you would be wrong by rita.
if she found out.. and if she never blames me...
and if she blames you.. how sad would i be?
i rather she blame me afterall.
it's me who cause so so so so so much problems into you..

ilu.andireallyreallydo.
eileenn's eternal happiness with you.
eileenn's eternal sadness with precious.
my eternal pain

she's neither a burden nor problem..
i didnt want to cry because u said this..
"ya la ya la.. go cry larhx.. "
omg.. i didnt know that i am so sensitive to this pharse of urs..
and i think i'm veri sad to hear you said that.
neber in life. ppl are already crying.. and cry for you lerr...
and this is wad u said back..
arrgghh.. never heard of a guy saying this wor........
nvm.. u're just unique lil dino =)

dated_*07-11-2006

2006-11-26T21:59:00.000+08:00

i dun know.. arggh..
love is just a weird thing.
i seroiusly doesnt know what i shud do.
yesh.. i love you and i really really do.
but i started to wonder..
will this harm my precious?
and.. are we going to lead a hiding life always?
when will this last.? or shud i say can i take the blow if this ends.
if only we didnt start.. it wouldnt end.
hiding? here and there.. it's tough..
but i dun know how deerick goh knows..
i really dun noe..
i'm afraid to hurt my precious once again..

or maybe i shouldnt try at all.
i should just be determine.. to forget u.
i didnt want to hurt my special and my precious.
both of you are so dear to me.
i really dont know.
really.
let things settle down first bahx.
let me think.

dated_*05-11-2006

2006-11-26T21:57:00.000+08:00

my life without you and your calls... seems so weird... i miss them very much.. i really really do...
i yearn to hear your voice...
i wanted to hear them so badly that i've forgotton that i need not wait for your calls... and i am still waiting everyday without fail..
i know it;s difficult for me to give you up..
but since u're trying hard, i have no reason why i shouldnt try hard as well.
waiting... and finally ur msg came..
i was so happy yet confused..you ask me to chat on phone with you..
yarhx,, i was happy.. but thinking back , if i didnt talk to you like before, would you be sad and blame yourself for the cause of it.
so i decided... i find millions of excuse not to call you..
but i am hurting inside.. the pain is undescriable..
i am so sad.. finally, you have lost your patience..
you said nvm.. i knew.. you must be angry... u must be sad..
i am really cant help hurting too...

many times i think back.. if only i can chose to love you and forget you.. which one wud i chose i wonder..
yarhx larhx.. afterall.. i found out that.. i really find it difficult to remove you away.. you're just like in my hard disk..
although i am spending alot of time witrh my GOH.s family.. but.. every slacking moment, u're still there.. mentally..
i really cant find any ways to forget.. if i dun.. wad wud happen to you and my precious?
i dare not predict.
trying to study with deerick and pearl.. i sometimes dun really concentrate..
once in a while , i will think of you.. how u smile , just brightens up my day..
can i chose? can i? choice choses me...
and i cant chose choices..
isnt it? i dun know how long i can last.. but i know, i have fall in deep.

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

eileenn__\

dated_*31-10-2006

2006-11-26T21:52:00.000+08:00

okiiex. was trying to blog somehow.. but didnt managed to do it.. so no choice... got to do it here...
i was like stuggling to make today's time pass faster..
thinking back.. i am not even concentrated for the chinese paper today..
lying down on the table..reading and trying hard to concentrate..
but seriously i cant really do it.. argghh..

i am really dying.. physically and mentally... i dunn0 how to sumarise ytd...
u've got so much to say.. and she have so much to say.. and i too, have so much to say.
i am like thinking.. i really caused so much thing into the both of you.
i am really very bad.. i am hurt.. because the both of u is like....... so sad because of all thses problems..
how? can i make everything better.? i didnt want to try anymore.. i am tired..
all ur words.. everything related to you... i'm like giving up.. giving up just like this...
it's not worth it at all.. not worth.. i'm sry.
how much i have done to cause so much hurt on her..
she must be hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt so badly so badly.
my heart is in pain.
looking at both of u, i really blamed myself.. really blamed... i really dun know how i can help...
can i just move away? and treat it as i'm not in the picture at all.
i believe everythin would be just fine.. i'm so sry..... ='(
really sry..
all of the sorrys u all have told me.. i shud be the one to say sorry instead... so much of things i've created..
i dun noe wad more i can do.. i really dun noe...
the msgs i get from precious.. i hate to c it.. i hate it. i didnt even eant her to msg me things like this..
i just want her to think that she is n0t at fault.. and she's not indeed.. but she said sry.. i felt the xtreme hurt..
calling you.. talking to you.. saying if things could go back like b4.. if only it can.. IF....
i am really wondering... so sry.. ICANT. joke like b4? no way. i told you.. after febuary.. u know why?
it's because i need not face you after i get my results... but how long can i hide?
how long? i know.. i love you.. but i aso know i couldnt... dat's a pain.... i am seriously lost..................................

eileen__\

dated_*30-10-2006

2006-11-26T21:46:00.000+08:00

i think both of u are good in finding my blog.
i have no reason to blog there anymore.
letting you find my blog must be hurtful to you.
i really blame myself for having a private blog.
i didnt know that u would find it.
i am sorryy. for the hurt that i have been loading on you.
u must be upset. and disappointed.
i am really sorry.
i dont know how to express myself. dats why the most i can do is to say sorry.

though i wrote a pack of lies in the letter for you.
but i really mean well.
cause i believe it will make you feel so much better.
so much so much.
right?
haiis.. thinking back of what i wrote.. it's really dumb.
i dunno. but i just want u to think that i dun like at all.
so that... u could feel better. and of course.. love him. =)

you need not leave and be a loner.
really. u think for urself..
first, if u leave.. 3 person get hurt.
right?
but if u stay, only one will get hurt.
this minimise the pain of getting 3 to 1.
isnt it better?
second, i choose to leave.
i really cant bear to see my precious suffering..
yes, i love you. and i know i really do.
but i believe, leaving will do u good too.
i knew you love her veri veri veri much.
maybe just like how much i love you.
how can i possibly be so cruel?
to intercept in?
i am sorry. i chose to walked away.
takkairex my dear ones..

i am not pushing u away. neither am i going to pull u near.
i dunn0 wad i shud even do.
at this point in time.

causing hurt into you is my biggest regret.
w/o ur (precious) smile. can i continue to smile?
and w/o ur (special) smile too, can i smile too?

leaving in pain.
as usual, time would heal me.
learn to live. alone. w/o you.
u've made me smile. u've made me teared.
but u need not anymore.cause i would love you no more. no more...no more..... no more.........no more................................

ithurtsmorethenanythingelse. i'm sorry.
i am avoiding.. i am really avoiding....... avoiding is really difficult i know..
how to leave? when i am clinging so much....

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

i dunno how to n0t call u..
i dunno how to reject ur calls.
i dunno how to live w/o u... and ur callss..
='(

dated_*28-10-2006

2006-10-26T22:28:00.000+08:00

almost everytime i come to blog but thinking if u would find this link again.
sigh.sigh.
i think she has found out ler bahx.
arggh. i must have caused tremendous hurt on her.
it hurts me so when i looked at her nick and blog.
looking at her trying to express out how much she needs you.
argh.
i feel that this shouldnt carry on.

had this lil chat with her dat day on msn,
her nick was.
[icouldfeelthepaininyou,ihateppltohurtyou,butiamhurtingyousodeeply]
so i asked if she is okiiex......
it was merely some concern i wished to show.
ya, she said.
but of course i replied [really?] cause she doesnt sounds really right.
[i am FINE] was what she tried to emphasize.
looking at the caps letters of fine........
i didnt know how to reply anymore.
i left the chat untouched.
leaving thoughts running aboutt my mind
i felt sad. and thinking wad went wrong in between us.

today, had a chat with her again.
telling her dat i'll be able to meet her tomolo.
we use to be excited whenever we are going to meet.
but this time round is like,
[okiiex, so tomolo if i am training, then u take the blue plastic bag.]
i said okiiex, as usual.
her nick was [enolaicepsruoysawihsiwi] - i wish i was your special one.
arggh. this gave a hard knock on my head.
thinking deep that i am worst than anything else on earth.
arrghh.. she must have find out.

went to her blog to check if she is really getting along well this few days..
and found out she really wants to return to you.
she really wants.
really really wants.

looked at ur blog too.
it wasnt you who's at fault.
really.
nebber blamed urself can?
u didnt enter and caused hurt to us
instead, i am the one who enterd the both of you.
and causing into today's problems.
if i didnt let you know.
if i didnt choose to love.
if i didnt take this alternative road.
things will never be the same anymore.
neber blamed urslef.
it hurts so much to see the hurt in you and her.

seriously, why not...
we let everything stop here.
lets get back to the past.

i think i have hurt her deep enough.
i want to end this now no matter how hard it is.
i'm sorry ='(
really.

letsforgeteverything.

eileenn's eternal pain. ='(
it strikes exactly on the top left corner of my body.
where it's fragile afterall.
where it slowlys leave some cracks.
and a gentle touch from anything , it breaks.....
my.eternal.pain

it rains. and i've always like to sit near the window.
i would feel so ease looking at the droplets hitting hard on the window plane.
it makes me think of nothing. but today is different.
the feeling no longer stays.
because i was thinking, do i cry just like this?
ha.ha. i guess so. it must be so weird to think of how i cry...............
my.eternal.pain

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

2006-10-26T01:45:00.000+08:00

i dunno. haiis.
even after the letter you wrote.
argh.. i just dun noe.
i dunn0 if i am there in u.
haiis.
i just dun want really dun want to hurt her
not that i want to push u away.
u would never know how much i want u to be by myside.
u would never noe.
nebber....

i am so so so sad too.
i am really out of my wits lerr.
i dunno wad i can do.
to benefit all of us.
how. can i?
i am like stuck.
stuck in the middle of no where.
how to move away.
how.
i wonder how much hurt i would caused to her.
if she knew i like you.
arggh. i dare not face this reality.
i am really really suffering.
but dun ever let this 2 precious suffer.please.
i am willing to give up.
really. just give me the chance to.
i will really try. i wud.but chance are not here.
i'm sry. sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry.sry
i'd dun want. dun want to love. dun want to be loved. i'm sry.
*teared* a million times
*teared* a million times
*teared* a million times

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

2006-10-23T19:21:00.000+08:00

haiis.
how shud i describe how i am feeling now?
hmms. it's so tiring actually.
so can anyone tell me wads a love story?
does every love story have a good ending?
"they live happily ever after......"
"they finally got together as they wished...."
instead, in the first place, does a love story need an ending?
whenever we watch drama or movie,
we would always moan and groan if it doesnt have an ending.
is ending/ the result so important?
i thought the process is the most important of all?
love story.
each and everyone of us is living in our own story..
we are the directors,the artistes and the story writer.
we make our own choices.
no one is to be blamed.
if the story doesnt comes to a good ending.
to me, the process of it is so important than anything else.
u learn. u experience, u make mistakes.
all of this take place in the process.
wad do u think?

wad expression shud i give now?
she must be hurting inside out too.
"aint ur action hurting too"
this phrase appears in the innocent blog of hers.
but i can feel.
she is in pain.
she MUST BE in pain.
she must have fell in love with you lerr.
arrgghh.. i'm so sry.
i'm no one to you again. hah. ='(

i really not veri sure.
no no no no no no no no confidence.
low low low low low low low self esteem.
arggh... wad happen.

i dare not love you.
cos i'm not sure either.
maybe. we're just different.
so different. that we couldnt find the difference in us.
moreover, my precious shouldnt / couldnt / MUST NEVER be hurt.
haiis.
i seriously dun noe.

my doubts are left unanswered

i chose to leave.
i chose to step out.
NO.
i HAVE TO leave
i HAVE TO step out.
thus, igiveup.

yes.
it hurts.
both mentally and physically.

i noe. i may mean nothing to you.
i may be no one to you.
but u are someone to me.
you are everything.

soon.
you will be no one to me anymore.
after o lvls.
i'm sure.
you are nothing , nothing anymore..

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

2006-10-22T22:58:00.000+08:00

argghh.. i think i fall sick ler.

2006-10-21T23:17:00.000+08:00

oh dear. i dun noe wth i am doing.
really.
saying to forget.
but when???????
when am i going to carry out doing what i've said???
breaking laws of mine every now and then.
argghh...
ihatethisunpredictablelove.
godgodgodgodgod.

knowing she smsed you.
wad has it got to do with me?
huh, EILEEN GOH?
wads wrong with them talking..
u're jealous lorx.
ICANTBE LIKETHIS
nojealousy nojealousy

sry.
got to carry out my laws lerr.

she's.still.there.
in.both.our.minds.

i'm sry.

1st leens.law: CUT DOWN on talking on phone.
2nd leens.law: NO MEETING in the middle of night.
3rd leens.law: NEVER let him in to house. even he's pathetic
4th leens.law: NO INTIMATE actions together.
5th leens.law: NEVER hug. even if i am sad.NEVER
6th leens.law: DUN EVER THINK how wonderful he is.
7th leens.law: STOP WAITING for calls.
8th leens.law: DUN FIND him in msn whenever online.
9th leens.law: FORGET AND ERASED the past.
10th leens.law: FORGET HIM onceAND FOR ALL

i'm really sry.
choices lead to consequences.

plsloveher.*promised* =D / ='(

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

2006-10-21T00:37:00.000+08:00

okiiex.
i have proved it to myslef that i can.
i really and finally can ler.
the best way out.
yes.it is.
okiiex. ty.

awake once again?
yup
i shud have awake long ago.
no more posting like before ler..
ha.ha. no more talks i think. =D

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

2006-10-19T22:27:00.000+08:00

it didnt ring, didnt ring, it just didnt ring.
all the believes i had. seems lying to me.
yarhx.. i've always say i can. but when.
i questioned myself every now and then.
i really can? or. it's just one of the thousands lie again?
arrghh.. I CAN DE LARHX!

to the world, you may be one person.

to one person, you may be the world.

nvm. i knew i love you lesser today.

really? argghh.
ilu more i think.
-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

2006-10-18T12:35:00.000+08:00

afterall, i still changed my url. and my username.
not for any particular reason.

i'm really sorry.
to cause u so much suffering.
shouldnt have blurt out that i fell in love with you
i shouldnt have.

rmb my blogskin for this reality?
it writes : hold me tight and nebber let mi go
i really wants to hold you tight.
how much i wished i could
but i really cant.
seeing you tear, it hurt so much inside me.
i'm finding your laughter...but it seems missing.
i dun want. i rather u can smile happily in every single day of ur life.

u kept asking if i could hold tight.
my heart breaks. i am thinking so hard.
if only i could.
how much tears i dropped, when u turned your back against me?
i am hurting inside.
first to see u unhappy
second, i'm wondering when would u turn back and look into my eyes

every once when i pushed ur hands away,
the pain i felt isnt that easy to ease.
you didnt noe that how much i wants you to hug.
but here i am pushing it away
because i am trying veri veri veri hard.
to be independent.
you grab my hands.
i felt so touched.
but i didnt have a good choice.
i chose to move away.

i looked seriously into your eyes everytime i had the chance.
you know why?
it's because i dont know only till when i have the chance again.
u've always asked why
but i didnt tell you the reason.
today i looked into ur eyes.
because i am thinking how can i possibly forget you by tomolo.
i am really veri sad when i think of it
i walked you to the road.
den to 7-11
den to the end of the 7-11 block
den to the mama shop
den to the bubble tea
den to mac
den to traffic light.
why i am always giving in.
didnt u asked urself?
it's because i seriously doesnt wish to leave
i didnt want to forget.
i didnt want to let go.
i am thinking hard when i walked away from you.
and i've found out,
i am really in love with you
and it will last. till the end of time

when i was telling you
i choosed to let go
and i cant hold tight any longer.
my heart is bleeding profusely.
i am sorry.

just till tomolo.

-ilu.andireallyreallydo

2006-10-17T23:17:00.000+08:00

why i love this special someone?
this unpredictable love.
when can i stop falling in?
only when i really really really have the will.

-[-thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking-]-n
the above is the thinking polymerisation. =(

let study keep me busy
and allow me to forget you can?
somehow, i insisted to forget.
and the reason is obvious
my lil precious,
un-hurt-able.

it's difficult indeed.
but

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.

2006-10-16T19:57:00.000+08:00

yarhx.. i have so much to say.-------------------------------d
till i dunn0 where i shud start from.-----------------------o
what to say and what i can say.-----------------------------n
i dun noe. when i am suppose to say smt, nothing comes into my mind.--t
but when i am thinking, so much of it came out.--------g
argghh.. my mind is going bonkers in no time ..---------o

not that we didnt talk like b4.
but is maybe things around us are getting more stable
and nothing worth gossiping about.
and b4 we got so much to talk about.
of course, it's because i have so much problem with that bird.
everyday.. so much to tell you.. didnt even ask if u are tired of my voice.
so much things happen..
and i am n0t related to bird anymore.
dats why i am happy leading my life now.
need not quarrel with him anymore.
isnt that a relief to me?

what i want to say is already simplified into 2 words
but i cant be so selfish to tell you that.
i'm not going to let you think so deep.
it causes headache u noe?
telling you that i will feel that i am a let down to..............
yarhx. it's just 2 simple words.
can u find it?

-ilu.andireallyreallydo

2006-10-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

whenever ii am discovered..
i'll be thinking hard about what to blog.
if humans mind could have different folders for different things.
how great would that be?
everything would be so systematic. and neat. nothing would be mixed up.

i am lazy to change lerr.. really.
i cant even figure out how did u managed to find out.
no matter how i changed, u'll still find out.
so i think n0 point changing so many times.when i will still be discoverd.

commitment
dictionary.com---an agreement or promise to do something in the future;
The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.

arrgghh.. i just did a new blogskin and i am discovered so soon.
haiis. ii am afraid agaiin....
i might n0t be able to blog like before.

if everything can be forgotten easily, memories would nebber exist.

-ilu.andireallyreallydo

2006-10-14T22:11:00.000+08:00

i hope my laughter ytd did cover the sound of me weeping.
while weeping, while laughing just to cover it.
isnt it so silly of me?
u kept asking.. why are u laughing.
i've always answerd that i am doing something.
yup. i am wiping my tears away every now and then.
and i laugh not only to cover. but aso to keep in mind that i'm happy for u all. =D
ytd was talking to you on the phone.
tok and tok. but i dunno wad we are toking abt.
not really paying attention to wad we are chatting about.
as usual.. i am thinking.
thinking of diff ways to forget.
but how? i asked myslef.
no avail of answer.
becos i think i have fall so deep inside
and n0thing can help mi out again.
finally. i sort out everything.
i decided to start from basic things.
like talking on the phone.
i was wanting to tell you that i might not be able to talk after ytd.
because i am going to concentrate on my studies.
but i didnt bring myslef to do that.
but when we are going to hang the phone,
we would normal end with. okiex larhx. bb.
and u would say really arhx.
in the past, i would nv hang. and i would wait.
normally till u hang.
but.ytd, i really decided to start from there.
i hang the phone down STRAIGHT after i said bb.
i am trying hard. trust me. i really am. ='(

although i cant bring myslef to hang like normal,but
i am not going to wait anymore.
becos i might just sink in deeper.

the haze wanted my life today.
i'm almost found dead in the hse. =X

-ilu.ireallyreallydo

2006-10-14T01:19:00.000+08:00

omg.. it's so hurtful. everytime u are going to say something about you and her , i have always kept so quiet.
it's because i am always listening hard on was you are trying to say.
so u all patch.
haiis
i am sad. indeed.
really
i am dying..
veri veri veri veri veri veri veri hurt..
but wad ii can do?
i cant do a single thing.
but i am also happy for the both of you.
at the same time the hurt adds on.
dun worri.. i'll be fine. =)

-ilu.andireallyreallydo.
ifeelpainagain.
it'slikesolongsinceihadTHISKINDofpain..

2006-10-13T22:43:00.000+08:00

you must be hurt badly.
but she might be hurt badly too.
all ur suicidal thoughts are to selfish.
have you ever think of the others who cared?
have you?
how sad will they be if u're gone..
n0thing can express their sadness towards you.
n0t everything can be sloved by commiting suicide.
if you think u can , u're absolutely wrong.
u told me nebber run away from problems.
but what do you think you are doing n0w?
isnt u running away too?

yes i am sad but u've add to my unhappiness just by "do you have panadols?"
i'm n0t born ytd.. i know wad u're thinking of..
but is that YOUR WAY to slove problems? i doubt so.
i told u to kill everyone that cares for you b4 u commit suicide.
you said u'll kill.
how i wished to tell you to kill me first.
because i didnt want to get hurt when u die. so let me die b4 you.
but i didnt reply ur msg that way. becos i guessed it's abit inapporiate.
every msg i received from you thinking of suicidal, is a cut on my heart.
the cut gets deeper and deeper as our msg goes on. it's bleeding non stop.

i really dun know what happen to both of you.
but can you please stop all this willful thinking?

because you will never know who will ever get hurt JUST because of you.
takkaiirex

-ilu.andireallyreallydo

2006-10-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

miss the days. but they must be forgotton.
once again i am here , heartbroken.

this is so hurt.
but i am willing to give up
because she is too precious to me.
somemore, both are in love with each other.
how can i possibly cut in and bring hurt to everyone.
i love you but i cant.

i knew i can forget you one day.
just that time plays an important part in the healing process.
happy yet sad
isnt this contradicting
i am really happy for the both of you.
yet , i am sad. just to think about leaving you.
yes , it hurts but it's all worth it.
please cherished the time both of you spent together.
do takkairex too.

the memories will be erased.
i love you and i really really do. =(